Dear…

You came into my life so suddenly. Well, as suddenly as one could in this era of online dating. Frankly I wasn’t expecting anything during the summer-just time to rest and get the much needed recharge time. You are that one thing that was supposed to be fleeting ,yet something I didn’t realise would stay even after the long summer days have past. I am glad that you stayed. 

It was also you that mde it difficult to leave; I realised that it was already hard to say goodbye because I was going to miss friends and family. Add you into the mix and its even harder. 

Telling myself not to expect a lot was a lot of work. I am not the kind of persom who would easily just accept things. I overthink them first and then have a breakdown. Our relationship for the most part is left undefined, so I know I shouldn’t over step boundaries and just let you be. Time, distance, and perhaps pride are the things that are making it more difficult.  

Texts and calls are well and good, though what keeps on replaying in my mind was the day we met up. Somehow after countless failed attempts it happened. Despite only having a couple of hours to spare, it was enough. But now I want more. I want you more. 

I want to know more about you but how do I do it? When we seem to be wrapped our own things and being busy is the norm. When being in different time zones don’t help and when distance is also a bitch. All I pray is that even if its just a moment, you still think about me. 
I don’t think I’ll be able to take it if you don’t.  

Being 21 

This is super late, but it did give me time to adjust to being 21

It was just another day really, the only difference was that on March 22, I added another year to my (sometimes agonizing) life. 

If anyone asked, I always say that I didn’t want to do anything. Though in reality, I craved so many things. Some material, some are things that money cannot buy. For me, I stopped celebrating my birthdays a long time ago; maybe this is the side effect of growing up. There are no gifts to be opened, maybe just a cake and dinner. That’s it.

 Though it is more than what people have. 

But I do appreciate the things that people do. It was a day that even just for a tiny moment in my otherwise monotonous life, I found myself sorrounded by people that cared. To say that I have been sad for the past few weeks is an understatement-there are days when it gets all too much and I feel sorry for myself. There are moments when everything is fine. 

There are some days when I feel numb. 

I have so many things to be grateful for and I do feel angry at myself for even letting myself think this way. Although it cannot be helped I suppose. 

Being envious of others is a sure way to make yourself feel down and unworthy. The moment I compare myself to others is a moment of happiness I take away from myself. The process of healing is a long road that I have yet to start, but perhaps believing in myself may be the beginning. There are days when everything becomes too much, too overwhelming, and too harsh. Those are the days when I remind myself with these two quotes: 

(This is my lockscreen photo) 

Comparison is the thief of joy

-Theodore Roosevelt 

Yes, I do have days when I blame myself for things I don’t have control over but I still face everyday with a smile. 

Yes, I know I may not have it all, but I still have something. 

Reminding myself that its just a bad day, not my whole life has been the cycle for quite some time now. I just have to memorize it. I may not have everything that I want, but I sure do have what I need. 

I cannot put into words all that I feel. Sometimes tears are enough, and after that I would be better. Each day is a learning curve. You just gotta fight with all you have and hope for the best. 
Keep smiling 

J


I am thankful for: 

  • Family: they deal with my stubborn ass 24/7 (they got no choice anyway)
  • Friends: old and new, especially those who stayed after all this time. đź’•
  • Books: for being there when I find my own words are not enough 
  • Music: being there when I had no where else to go to 
  • Photography and writing: a way to channel my creative side (not that creative though) 
  • Him: for letting me experience all of this. Good and bad, I offer everything to you. Thank you. 

    On insecurities and waking up every morning. 

    Perhaps it has always been there, the nagging feeling of not being enough. Of not being beautiful or intelligent enough.  

    Perhaps it started with a simple comment, about how this other girl looks prettier or slimmer. My young mind may not be able to comprehend then, but its clear that it was telling me I wasn’t even good enough. It became a cycle-even in school I compare myself to my friends who always seem to be smarter than I was. 

    Every waking moment felt like that; I needed to do more so that I would be enough. 

    Even now that I am close to my 21st birthday, I still feel like that. For the longest time I thought that the feeling had died already. But it would not go away, only stronger. There are so many things I feel insecure about and society is not even helping-it just adds to the sinking feeling in my stomach every time that I look in the mirror or look at my news feed. 

    So maybe the scars would never go away. The pain lingers as days pass and it leaves a mark in my heart. 
    Guess you just learn how to live with the pain. 

    Happy New Year!

     Man, this year is a major roller coaster ride. Although it may have been one heck of a year, it did bring me a few good things. 

    I wished for many things this time last year; 

    • Finally be able to start following my dreams-this was pretty vague, I was in a place where I didn’t know where to turn to. I just wanted some direction in my life, something to make me want to look forward to Mondays again. 
    • Travel-I wanted to do this for so long, yet I didn’t want to feel as if I was running away from all my problems. 
    • Go back home and recharge. 
    • Just be happy 

    These all somewhat came true. I finally got to continue what I want to do and I am back home. And I am in my dream university to boot, if that isn’t enough motivation for me to work my butt off then I dunno what is. Perhaps this is what I needed after all, but I also needed that time in England. I will always have two homes in my heart, and I will always come back to both. 

    The traveling part kinda worked-my first ever trip to Singapore happened this year. Definitively the first of many visits here in Asia. Though I do need to save up for more of that to happen. 

    The big question is, am I happy? 

    This year has been one heck of a clusterfuck. It was one where you just have to deal with everything as they happen. So to answer the question at hand, I suppose I am. I have a lot more to be thankful for than I first thought.

    My family, albeit being as crazy as ever, is happy and healthy. I have met many amazing and talented people. Been to places I wanted to go to/visit again. I’ve been given another shot to do things. 

    Life may not always go my way, but it finds its way. It doesn’t follow a strict timeline anyway, you just need to be ready for speedbumps. 

    One of the things that I am thankful for this year is that it led me to where I needed to be. It took longer than I expected but it was definitely worth it. 

    X

    Of Christmas Wishes and Growing up 

    After 6 years, I’m back in the Philippines during Christmas time. And boy, did I miss this. 

    It’s hard to feel the Christmas spirit abroad; Filipino christmas is something one should experience at least once in their life. There’s just something about being excited about the season once the -ber months start rolling in. Add to the fact that life away from home can feel lonely as well. I can’t explain it, though perhaps fellow lone wolves/wanderlust aficionados can explain it better. 

    Last year, I wished for some clarity in my life and to come home even just for a while. My life was in a standstill and perhaps it was partly my fault too. There’s so many things I wanted to do, places to visit and the works. I was nowhere near that and I just felt so lost-I was envious of the life other people were leading and I forgot to work on my own life for a while. Fast forward to June and suddenly, everything did a 180 turn. Guess life works in mysterious ways and I found myself in my dream school and spending the holidays just as it should be spent: being happy. 

    I am in no way entirely happy, there are days when everything seems to weigh you down, add that to the fact that I am in my dream university and our hell weeks last for a long time. But I am in a better place than I was last year, or the past couple of years for that matter. 

    Finally, some of the pieces are finally falling into place. 

    My wish after completing this year’s Misa de Gallo is still the same; make sense of everything, have some peace of mind, and be happier. 

    And to Him that is the reason for this season, thank you for believing in me, even when I don’t deserve it.Thank you for second, third and even fourth chances in life. 

     Happy Birthday! 

    Happy Holidays everyone, may you receive more blessings and have amazing food during your Noche Buena
    Keep smiling, 

    J

    X

    Do more of what you love: life of a fangirl 

    It’s no secret that my default state is being a fangirl. 

    Next to being a student and an occasional writer, this is what mostly occupies my time. So now, in the midst of the most gruelling time in my academic career (Hello hellweeks) let me share with you what happened yesterday. Also known as; the most amazing day so far, that OMG-what-just-happened kinda day. Or simply,  the right time (Tamang  Panahon) I didn’t know that was going to happen. 

    October 16 2016, SMX Convention Center. 

    Perhaps they’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but I like Aldub/Maichard (like is putting it lightly…) from the beginning. Being away from home, watching Eat Bulaga was the  bonding moment for my parents and I. It makes those moments of homesickness more bearable. How I started as a fan is another story, for another blog post if I do wish to write it in the future. Fast forward to yesterday, a year after the phenomena started, I found myself amidst a sea of people who love this people as much as I do. 

     I was seated at the front. 

    How? 

    Don’t ask me, everything about yesterday was a blur and in slow mo at the same time. (Di ako na-orient!

    There were booths; for magazines, merchandise, sponsors and many more. One that really made me happy is the one dedicated to all the artists that gave their time to create amazing things. 

    (Realised that this was in a Vlog and not a photo. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know what to do.) 

    I used to just take pictures during events and never bother with videos. Probably because I always had limited space for it, but now I am well prepared. Whoever made a 64gb memory card is a genius. 

    I needed something to go back to. Every moment felt precious that I did not want to miss any second of it. I’ve waited for this moment and I didn’t want to forget anything. Time felt frozen and I didn’t want it to end. 

    All the performers gave their best and I suppose you can’t help but be inspired when you have an amazing bunch of people cheering you on. 

    Pandemonium started when Maine Mendoza came in. Hearing the screams live is something else. I thought I was used to fangirl screams. But apparently not. She looks like a doll; fragile yet strong. Her wacky faces never fail to amuse me. 

    When the time came for Alden Richards to make an entrance, the screams doubled-if that was even possible-and adrenaline just kept on pumping. He sang Your Guardian Angel by RJA and my 12 year old self was fangirling so hard. I lived for that song in elementary school. I must admit, this guy REALLY looks good. 

     Their chemistry is undeniable. Seeing it first hand was also something else; they have their own bubble and sometimes you want to look away but you couldn’t. 

    As much as I try to put the events of yesterday into words, I simply could not find the right words to describe it. I’ve helped out in events before and faced actors whom I have admired, though yesterday felt different. 

    It must be the crowd and the camaraderie that can be felt in the air. How every song was sang from the heart. All the fanfics that made you laugh, cry, fuzzy and in love. And the ones to read late at night. The artworks that made you say wow. It all came together in one event that was totally worth all of the effort. 

     This fandom is something else; its one of those that I will never get tired of. Some people may make fun or look down on this fandom but I know that this family is here to stay. Yesterday was a proof that, Aldub has touched the lives of everyone from all walks of life. 

    As I drown myself in readings, algebra equations, and org work in the next few weeks. I will use this as a motivation to do better so I can enjoy the future events. My life may be hectic for the unforseeable future ahead, at least I will always have this to make me smile at the end of the day. 

    Thank you Richard and Nicomaine. Always take care of each other and just keep on smiling. 
    Love, 


    Home is…

    Home. 

    For me it will always be Philippines and England. Before, I thought I only had to choose one but now I know that I wouldn’t want to have it any other way. 

    Some people always ask me why did I move back? Do you like it better there? How was it like? And many other questions that now sound monotonous to my ears.  As if my answer would validate what they’ve always thought of Europe or just life abroad in general. My answer could somehow make or break their daydreams. 

    I always politely say that my reasons are mine alone and try to move on to another topic. Most people don’t know I came from abroad and I like it like that. With others, I don’t really mind. Back to the question about my life there, it’s a bit iffy.I tend to be brutally honest about it; I tell them about how it will all depend on the cards that you will be dealt. It’s fun, exciting, and surprising at times. The memories I made and will make on trips back will be near and dear. Although, you also could not take away the tears that I have cried. 

    Could be the environment we grew up in change the way we view life abroad? Even the kids who are fortunate enough to travel seem to have a charmed outlook on it. Perhaps its our age differences that’s also showing here, my life hasn’t been the easiest, and the rose coloured glasses have long been taken away from me. 

    When I tell them the truth, some nod in understanding that maybe its not all that. They understand that it will have the good, bad, and the ugly. Whilst others carry on unloading their preconceived notions and perhaps daydream about it too. I just let them be, London is lovely afterall. 
    Though, I trully hope that in this lifetime, they would see that there is something great about feeling love for your own country and that the sense of nationalism should come from within. How do you expect others to be proud of where they came from, when you choose not to do it yourself? 

    Not saying where I am from when you first meet me became sort of a defense mechanism; I would rather that you know me first and make judgement calls once you’ve known me, not just where I came from. It makes life easier for everyone. 

    I miss England, especially during nights such as this. Cool monsoon winds remind me of crisp autumn mornings that I love. However, my heart feels happy to be home too, after being away for so long. 

    The grass won’t always be green+er on the other side, you just have to work with what you’ve got. 

    Just keep smiling,