This is super late, but it did give me time to adjust to being 21.
It was just another day really, the only difference was that on March 22, I added another year to my (sometimes agonizing) life.
If anyone asked, I always say that I didn’t want to do anything. Though in reality, I craved so many things. Some material, some are things that money cannot buy. For me, I stopped celebrating my birthdays a long time ago; maybe this is the side effect of growing up. There are no gifts to be opened, maybe just a cake and dinner. That’s it.
Though it is more than what people have.
But I do appreciate the things that people do. It was a day that even just for a tiny moment in my otherwise monotonous life, I found myself sorrounded by people that cared. To say that I have been sad for the past few weeks is an understatement-there are days when it gets all too much and I feel sorry for myself. There are moments when everything is fine.
There are some days when I feel numb.
I have so many things to be grateful for and I do feel angry at myself for even letting myself think this way. Although it cannot be helped I suppose.
Being envious of others is a sure way to make yourself feel down and unworthy. The moment I compare myself to others is a moment of happiness I take away from myself. The process of healing is a long road that I have yet to start, but perhaps believing in myself may be the beginning. There are days when everything becomes too much, too overwhelming, and too harsh. Those are the days when I remind myself with these two quotes:
(This is my lockscreen photo)
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Yes, I do have days when I blame myself for things I don’t have control over but I still face everyday with a smile.
Yes, I know I may not have it all, but I still have something.
Reminding myself that its just a bad day, not my whole life has been the cycle for quite some time now. I just have to memorize it. I may not have everything that I want, but I sure do have what I need.
I cannot put into words all that I feel. Sometimes tears are enough, and after that I would be better. Each day is a learning curve. You just gotta fight with all you have and hope for the best.
I am thankful for:
- Family: they deal with my stubborn ass 24/7 (they got no choice anyway)
- Friends: old and new, especially those who stayed after all this time. 💕
- Books: for being there when I find my own words are not enough
- Music: being there when I had no where else to go to
- Photography and writing: a way to channel my creative side (not that creative though)
- Him: for letting me experience all of this. Good and bad, I offer everything to you. Thank you.